By a curious coincidence – or perhaps it was a deliberate act – page 10 of yesterday’s Telegraph drew attention to a central truth of our society that was not explicitly referred to in either of the two articles which appeared solely on that page. The first article, ‘Peer pressure makes mothers push children to milestones’, reported on a study of around 2,000 mothers with children under the age of seven, which showed that over half of mothers felt under some pressure – sometimes from family, sometimes from friends, sometimes from complete strangers – to ensure that their child was ahead of the field in whichever developmental stage he or she was currently going through, be it potty training, walking, talking or the like. Working mothers ‘felt they were judged more because they had jobs, particularly by mothers who did not work’.
The second article, immediately underneath the first, was entitled rather starkly ‘Women’s depression rates have doubled’, and reported on a separate study of 30 European countries which showed that women under 40 were now twice as likely as before to suffer from depression, with this likelihood increasing to three to four times for women between the ages of 25 to 40. This, the report explained, was because of the ‘tremendous burden’ of trying to juggle home and family life.
The connection between the two articles was clear for all to see: women – mothers – come under huge pressures in our society to be perfect, and it is no surprise that sometimes cracks will show and their mental wellbeing and health will become strained as a result. In our world, an underlying drive towards ‘perfect’ parenting is reinforced to mothers incessantly in images of perfection in adverts, television shows and government pronouncements; it stands to reason that with such an overwhelming force, coming from every angle, that this can be incredibly harmful to mothers – and fathers. This is all the more the case because it is all about their children – and which parent does not want to do the best for their children?
Even well meaning statements from well-intentioned sources – to whit, Nick Clegg’s call to parents to support teachers and schools (also in The Telegraph yesterday, on the front page) – can cause angst. While obviously aimed at parents who aren’t fulfilling the basic needs of their children, the implied admonition hits hard any parent who is already semi-persuaded by the underlying message they receive constantly about how they must improve – and how they are not good enough.
The truth is that parenting is an incredibly hard process, which receives little support at times from our wider society, and if we are not careful, we risk isolating parents yet further. Who will want to ask for help when implicitly this will be seen as a failure? (Especially with the nanny state and the secretive Children’s Court lurking in the background.) Who will dare to question the prevalent perception of parenting as a natural, intuitive process, when the reality – ie that parents do not always instinctively know what is the very best for their children, or at the very least have to work hard to gain access to our accumulated wisdom on parenting – is frowned upon?
Parenting is such a vital, essential component of our society that we must – absolutely must – find ways genuinely to value parents and to support them. We must counteract the pressures that parents, especially mothers, face, and we must remind everyone that it is entirely acceptable to share and seek advice when things don’t appear to go quite to plan. Each child is a unique being – a different entity with his or her own path through life. Why would there be a specific manual or blueprint for each one?
Parents are amazing – if they are strongly motivated by love and care for their children, and they are open to the advice, guidance, wisdom and reality checks of other experienced parents, then they can afford to relax and give themselves a break. Their children will be just fine.
